Fester’s herring pickle

This Facebook post from 2 January 2010 at 09:54 ·reminded me
 

I’ve just been on the Danny Baker Show BBC Radio 5 Live "Sell by boasting game" with a 3 pack of Co-op Chilli Con Carne Casserole Seasoning Mix best before end Jul 94 - we used one of the packs this week and are still here.

The Squire you really should clear out your cupboards

Bentonbag we do - just slowly

FIfiD Hilarious!!!!

Bentonbag Actually I've also found 2 packs of Knorr Bread Sauce mix which have no date on at all - Phil is the only person I've known who had bread sauce so they must date back to 1992 or even earlier!!! Any takers?

AG Not today thanks lol.  I found a jar of Chicken Tonight Spanish red sauce dated '01 in the cupboard a couple of months ago lol x

Bentonbag Yes - but did you eat it?

AG I would've but the mister made me chuck it in the bin lol

Bentonbag No sense of adventure that man - big cohones when it comes to icy dips though - remind me to tell you about Fester and the pickled herrings one day.

Well here it is ...

Fester loves fish.

I do not.

At one time Lidl sold jars of pickled herrings (and probably still do) so being, a loving wife, I would buy a jar for his lunch.  He wasn’t always at home, or in the mood for herring, for lunch and one jar remained unopened for far longer than it should have. 

Eventually I lost patience with shifting it around the cupboard and asked “Are you ever going to eat this jar of herrings?”

“Oh.  I’d forgotten we had them.”

I checked the label.

“They’re well past their sell by date.”

“Oh that doesn’t matter.  Give them here.”

As he twisted the lid there was an audible, evil sounding “Phhisssh”.

He put the opened jar on the work-surface.   

Fumes bubbled out of the liquid and slithered visibly down the sides of the jar.  Imagine the scenes of the potion in a Hammer version of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, only more malevolent.

“You can’t eat that.  It’s off.”

“Nah.  It’ll be fine.”

And he ate them.

They didn’t stay with him for long, passing through and being deposited back into water well before tea-time.

You, like me, will be asking “But surely they must have tasted strange?”

He did admit, a little later, that they had an odd texture and “felt a bit cotton woolly”.

Torture My Nights Two

In the last post I wrote about how in 2009 Fester was one of the scientists working on the EU’s Quality Low Input Food project involving a September conference, and about my delight at the prospect of quiet nights alone, with anonymised Facebook friends’ reactions (the spelling is theirs not mine).

Later on in the year and he had a cold …….

12 November 2009 at 16:52 ·

Fester spent last night snoring, coughing, talking and singing (!) in his sleep and moaning about bad dreams, being too hot and not getting enough sleep. Consequently I am nacked and not going to Tyne Bridge Morris practice. I've already taken Ferretfingers to get his ear wax looked at (it was black, olive oil drops for the next fortnight then syringing) and then have to take Thunderthighs to Woodlawn Awards evening.

12 November 2009 at 22:07 ·

Fester is sleeping on the chair bed in the living room tonight.

13 November 2009 at 09:07 ·

It's amazing what a half decent night's sleep can do. Fester slept on the chair bed in the living room so his snoring was just a distant rumble. I almost feel half human this morning.

Sandy try sleeping on a scout hut floor with him Aubrey + Geoff

Bentonbag No thanks - I think I've suffered enough

16 November 2009 at 17:07 ·

Gave up at 1.40 this morning and went to sleep on the couch. The fat bastard never noticed I was missing, mainly because I'm the one that gets up at 7 to sort the boys out for school and he doesn't get up 'til they're gone, so it made no difference to him. Maybe if I start out on the couch he'll get the hint and finally do something about the snoring/sleep apnoea.

Goddaughter you could get him those nasal strip thingies and see if he took the hint?

AH Oh dear, nothing worse than when they keep you awake with their bloody snoring! An elbow in the ribs usually gives a hint too!

TW there was an article in Sunday paper about an injection into the soft pallet that stops snoring. There is nothing worse than being kept awake by snoring you have my sympathy!

FifiD Loft room better idea.... Worked for Rick!!!

EW It's really getting to you now B - I can tell. I usually deliver a swift jab to the ribs of my slumbering lump and that tends to work for a while.

Sandy old wives tale; sew apocket in the back of his PJ top & fill with dried peas this makes it uncomfortable to lie on his back so he sleeps on his side in the recovery position

Sandy serious nursy advice see Gp these symptoms are treatable and may be of concern

AH Brenda, it's his weight. My dad and husband hav the same problem, the only thing that helps is lying on their sides. If they're overtired, they still snore when lying in this position.
May the force be with you x

Bentonbag He does lie on his side - usually facing me so I get the full benefit. He snores on his back, on his side, in the bath and I firmly believe if his belly allowed him to lie on his front he'd snore then too. His doctor is useless (took 5 months and a planned trip to Crete to get his knee Xrayed to find a chipped patella) and has said "oh loose a few pounds". However as he's never properly rested he gives himself a sugar rush mid-afternoon to keep awake enough to function, so the pounds don't get lost, and it's a vicious circle.
Goddaughter - you've seen his nose, where am I going to get strips to fit that?
Sandy - if I thought it would do any good I'd ask you to have a word (seriously, I'm not being sarcastic)
AH & EW - I regularly contemplate physical violence but fear I'd lose control and do something drastic.
Thanks everyone, it helps to share ...

Bentonbag Sorry, haven't finished ranting yet ...
He also falls asleep continually during the day - in the car, at the computer, sorting beetles, doing the crossword. So I not only get no sleep I have to witness him sleeping when I can't - which rubs the salt in really. Thank God he can't drive or operate heavy machinery or he'd be a liability. 

I'm sure sleep deprivation counts as torture under the Geneva Convention.

TW Change doctors - I'm being serious. You need to sort this. He needs referring to a sleep clinic. You can't carry on like this - you will be ill. Either that or wash your hands of him and put his belongings outside, at least he'd take you seriously then.

AH Z bed in the living room for him to sleep on........also he'll be up early doors to see your workload every morning with the boys!

TW Thats a great idea! She's right. If you sleep downstairs there are no consequences for him....go for it!

TW Whats the update on last night??

Bentonbag Not too bad - or maybe a glass of wine with tea and a tia-maria milk shake night cap helped

TW I'm sure they did but I hope that’s not a permanent solution!

Torture My Nights

At school we did Joseph & His Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat and one of the best songs is Close Every Door, containing the line “Darken my daytime, And torture my night.”   
Anyone who has shared a bed with a snorer will know that feeling.

In 2009 Fester was one of the scientists working on the EU’s Quality Low Input Food project which involved an annual conference somewhere on the continent.  The following Facebook posts illustrate my delight at the prospect of quiet nights alone, and anonymised friends’ reactions (spellings theirs not mine).

10 September 2009 at 11:21 ·

Fester has left for Crete - a whole snore free week

MJH Do you get a snore-free week or does he?

Bentonbag ME ME ME

It's not just the snoring it's the dead silences when he stops breathing for up to 20 seconds then the huge rasping grunt when he finally takes a breath. His (useless) GP says he just "needs to lose a few pounds". I say his GP should try sleeping with him ...

LB sleep apnia or how fter you spell it! my dad has it and that's definitely wot it sounds like. anyway you still have Ferretfingers and his snoring ha. xx

Bentonbag no, Ferretfingers sleeps silently, Thunderthighs on the other hand ...

FifiD Do you think he's seen that film where the housewife gets bored and doesnt come back. Shirley valentine??? Hope not!!!!! Xx

Bentonbag Don't get my hopes up FifiD

FifiD Tee hee xxxx

11 September 2009 at 10:40 ·

I’ve just returned from the charity shops of Byker: trousers for Thunderthighs, 2 tops for me and an egg slicer £8.74.

EW Is this what you get up to when Fester goes away then?

Bentonbag It's a sybaritic life of unbridled hedonism

EW All that and a decent night's sleep... live the dream.

16 September 2009 at 14:51 ·

Took two hot-water-bottles to bed last night and have put away my summer trousers - fighting the urge to put on the central heating though .

BDG We've had a duvet each for the last 2 nights. Ultra snuggly and warm!

Bentonbag I'd get more sleep if we had a room each - only one snore-free night left.

EW Isn't there some remedy for it? I find a quick dig in the ribs most effective...

FifiD seperate houses is the remedy!!!!!!!!

Bentonbag he has his own flat but won't go back there

FifiD About time you spring cleaned him out of your life me thinks!!!! Onwards and upwards xxx

Bentonbag Nah - the kids and cats would miss him too much and I'd have to do the cooking - and who would I do the Guardian crossword with?

FifiD Ah well you've sold me on that!! Just get him a bigger potting shed. Job done!! Xx

18 September 2009 at 10:07 ·

He's back and covered in mozzie bites

18 September 2009 at 13:41 ·

So far I've been given: a pair of Cretan slippers; lavender olive oil soap; and pottery salt shaker, 2 candlesticks and an egg cup (or it might be 1 candlestick and 2 eggcups as one could be either) - and we're not into the duty free yet!

FifiD ARE THESE YOUR BIRTHDAY PREZZIES !!!!

18 September 2009 at 17:06 ·

2 bottles of Tia Maria and 3 boxes of chocolates - should keep me going until Christmas

See more tomorrow ....