Doll Therapy

This is what I was going to post yesterday until I got carried away by hiraeth and the River Towy.

25 August 2018 at 22:35 ·

My current project is dressing a doll to donate to the Admiral Nurses to give to someone with dementia (the ladies seem to find something to cuddle and care for soothing).   

I regularly see suitable naked dolls on sale in charity shops.   

Today I have been knitting a pair of leggings but the pattern needed to be adapted so the foot was more sock-like.  I discussed this with Fester and we agreed it was a sort of 3D Geometry problem.   

When I'd finished the first half/leg I tried it on the doll and showed it to him.

"It looks ok" I said "only it nearly goes up to her armpit."

"That's alright" says he "as long as it's comfortable."

I don't honestly think the doll's going to be that bothered about comfort.

Sweet of him though...

Sandy "Doll therapy" really can help some people with dementia to a remarkable degree. It's a proper kind thing to do and genuinely helps.

But there was that one time I tried to give a rather sweet little old lady her doll; she declined it quite politely, saying she'd been babysitting for the last three nights and it must be someone else's turn to look after the bairn.

 Here she is all dressed up and ready to go.

I called her Clementine.

Hiraeth, Hedgehog & The River

Last week I watched Cymru O’r Awyr (Wales From The Air) and was hit by such a hard attack of hiraeth that I had to take myself out of the house.

It wasn’t just hiraeth. 

It was not having been away from home and out in open countryside for such a long time: to be out in nature rather than suburbia with its constant background hum of traffic and human activity. 

The a realisation that it’s been a very long time since I heard people speak in the accents I was brought up with. 

And a fear it might be a very long time before I hear them again, outside a tv programme.

I put on Phil’s (RIP) old anorak that still hangs behind the back door, got a torch, and went and sat under the bower at the back of the garden.

I thought nobody had heard me but …

After a little while the loft velux window opened and Thunderthighs’ voice drifted down

“Are you all right Mum?”

To lie or not to lie? 

I always promised myself I’d speak truthfully to my children, however hard it might be.

“Not really luv, I’ve just been watching a programme Cymru O’r Awyr, Wales From The Air, and all the pictures of green open countryside and sea, and poetry in Welsh, and the music have made me feel so homesick … I’ll be all right in a little while.  Don’t worry.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, thanks sweetheart, you get to sleep.”

The velux closed.

It was a warm windy night but even so I could hear rustling in the foliage and then the distinct sound of lapping.

A hedgehog was visiting again and taking refreshment from frogpond#2; which is hidden in nettles, lupins, evening primrose and other tall flowers.

When the lapping stopped and the rustling started again I lit the torch and crept up to check on the hedegehog’s size and health.

I think it was the same one I’ve seen before.

It’s about the size of my foot, looking quite fat and, although it stood still, seemed unperturbed.

I said “Good evening hedgepig” politely and went back in, much cheered.

Last night Thunderthighs came into the living room as I was about to watch Tywi-Yr Afon Dywyll, an S4C programme about the river Towy. 

My home valley river. 

The one we meant when anyone said “down the river.”

The river my father, uncle, grandfather, great-grandfather, doctor and village school master used to fish. 

The one we swam in in summer, walked by in winter and still walk by in imagination and dreams. 

The one OldestBestFriend and I used to try and ford in our wellies, with water coming in through the string holes at the back, despite her mother’s instruction to go nowhere near the river.

Thunderthighs accepted my invitation to watch it with me.

It was in Welsh with subtitles and much more of a nature documentary than Cymru O’r Awyr, with some subtle comments about conservancy and farming pollution.

When it was over Thunderthighs looked at me and asked

“Are you going to have to retire to the bower again?”

I didn’t.

Housewives’ Chat

Back in the spring I gave Mrs Leftfoot some of my spare tomato and pumpkin/marrow seedlings and for the past few weeks she has been inviting me over to view the resultant plants and fruits:  her daughter has delightfully named most of them.

For various reasons I haven’t been feeling up to visiting people.

I’ve always had trouble dropping off to sleep ever since I was a tiny child and the next sibling up (seven years older) whispered “One of these mornings you’ll wake up and find yourself dead”; I’ve forgotten the context but the effect lingers.

Fester’s cpap machine making buzzing (not in a good way) oboe noises all night hasn’t helped; nor has cats sleeping on my feet and head and wanting to be out at Godforsaken hours. 

Add to that waking up hot and sweaty due to humid sticky nights, dealing with the boys various behaviours, and natural anxiety during this present unpleasantness, and one has a recipe for sleep deprivation and feeling generally awful a lot of the time.

Admitting this to your friends worries them, but sometimes you have to.

I spent most of Friday reclining on the chaise longue getting rested and pulling myself together.

On Saturday morning I got this text from Mrs Leftfoot

“Hello.  We are here.  I am ironing.  If you were to visit I could stop ironing.”

There’s nothing like a mission of mercy to get me on my feet, so I replied

“I am not dressed, but I can be.”

So I showered, dressed, put on my shoes and hat and set off on foot.

At the end of the street Mrs No1 was putting some stuff in her garden recycling bin.

Mrs No1’s two girls are roughly the same age as my boys.  She was Thunderthighs’ one-to-one when he was in early years at our closest primary school, and was acutely aware her only qualification for this was being a childminder.  We have been friendly ever since.

Naturally I stopped for a chat about our offspring and things in general.

After a while we were joined by Mrs No6 with “Is this a union meeting or can anyone join in?”

So we three stood two metres apart and shared our feelings about the present unpleasantness.

We weren’t exactly depressed; more fed up with the fact that time is passing, nothing is progressing in our lives and nobody seems to have a handle on things. 

One of us has a terminally ill friend who she will probably never see in the flesh again.   

I don’t know how I would have coped had I not had those final hospital meetings with my dear friend Paula.  You can say goodbye in a letter or phone-call but it truly isn’t the same.

Just talking to some body different, from outside our households, and realising we all had similar feelings of restlessness and dissatisfaction helped.

After twenty minutes or so we broke up and I walked, briskly, the mile or so to chez Leftfoot where I had a delightful time being introduced to the various plants.

Mrs Leftfoot was a little put out to discover what she’d believed was a marrow is actually a pumpkin.  It’s wandering all over the garden and they’re having to step over it to get up the path to the greenhouse.   

 

We had intended to socially distance in the garden but the rain drove us in to the kitchen table where, like innumerable generations of women before us, we talked through all the issues facing us. 

 

You don’t always find the answers to your troubles there, but you can find solace and consolation.

 

Facing The Monster

Facebook Posts 23 August 2013

Feeling a little sad.

This week I've had meetings with Ferretfingers's social worker and Connexions lady and a day centre about college and what he does on the spare day, and his Personal Budget (his SW brought the draft of his report over and read it to us so we could approve it which was good). 

College have sent us a huge form to fill in about Ferretfingers's ASD, communication difficulties, challenging behaviours, strategies etc etc. So I've spent most of today drafting responses before writing them into the form.

And once again I've had to face how different Ferretfingers is to most other young men of 19, and how different his life is and will be.
Most of the time I can keep the monster in its cave and the door shut, but sometimes it gets out and bites me.

St Bernard Awaw *hugs* xx

LTyle Bach it's awful, I feel for you, xxx

FifiD Terribly sad. .xxxxxxx

Sienna Pond He is an amazing and interesting boy Benton! Don't let these feelings engulf you. Ferretfingers and Thunderthighs changed my life and made me realise what I wanted to do. 

You are an incredible mother and you know you can kick that monster right in the arse! Xx

JAS Sending huge hugs.xx

AW A big hug from NZ too Xxxx

Dark Lady You deserve a medal for always coming across so cheerful. I agree with Sienna P. 

You are an incredible Mum & that monster can go tittle! X

KA Hopefully you will feel differently about this soon. Has any professional suggested using the planning cafe for support? Will college begin at 10am instead of 9? Remember about us cornerstone parents and we may be able to help you.xxx

LKH Benton, understand this so well......but Sienna is right, it's hard to be different but our kids are still amazing xx

Henlady As you know, my foster son Hugh(37) is special needs and was at Treegrass. Since his daddy died he has manned up and is the most wonderful caring son, helping me all he can. 

Of course he still has days of challenging behaviour- but I never dreamed he would turn out to be such a wonderful son to me. So You never know. Our boys just take longer to adjust to the world.

Ms Exlibris He is a lovely person in his own right, believe me kids without his problems are not always as nice, less difficult or more rewarding! It sounds as if you are doing everything you can to maximize his potential and make him independent - you are a brilliant mum and should be very proud of both your boys. Hang in there! x x

Dark Lady As I said before your lovely son has more strength of character than most. I know you're thinking way into the future. Don't.   Once he's away from the  negativity of 'the system' you'll all relax & realise how amazing his future is going to be! Don't let them grind you down! XXXX

Mrs Mobilephone Yes Benton, your amazing that's why Ferretfingers is. All life throws at us and you have done really well, I really admire your strength of character. Love to you all x

Mrs Melodeon Thinking of you Benton. Just as Mrs Mobilephone says you have done so well. 

It is hard to have to spend time thinking of difficulties. Hope all goes well.

Strawangel B, firstly a virtual hug and high five, secondly...shake that monster away and keep your eye on the ball. You are the best one for the job, the only one who can do it. Yet again you have to dig down into the feelings and memories long buried for your self preservation, yet again it has to be explained. I'm sorry you're facing this but at least you're prepared for when it comes around for Thunderthigs?
Is Ferretfingers's statement following him to college? If not then why not? You may need to question this....try and keep his statement until he's 21 at least xx

Bentonbag Thanks Strawangel (and everyone).
Yes Ferretfingers's statement is following him to college and it is a 2 year course, with a review after the first year and the potential to go onto further courses.
College quite wisely want to know as much as possible about Ferretfingers so they can provide him with the most appropriate care. They'll have his report from sixthform and Connextions (which was very accurate) but as the Connextions lady said I know him and his little ways better than anyone.
Thankfully Thunderthighs is an entirely different kettle, communicative (though not necessarily in language one would wish to hear) and travelling independently - so I won't have to go to through the same with him - or if I do it won't be quite as emotional an exercise.

Strawangel You're one strong lady Benton....never forget that xx. God Bless xxxx

Bess Cavalier Here's a hug from me. As mothers we're always much stronger than we think we can be in our darkest moments. Your boys will find their niche in life because you will make sure that they do.

 

Blue

Facebook Post 22 August 2018 at 13:56 ·

Yesterday Ferretfingers wore his birthday t-shirt and I took this photo to send to his loving auntie. 

When I got him up to clean his teeth this morning I noticed his chins looked odd. 

He took his jarmies off and we went into the bathroom. 

"Blue" he says, looking in the mirror. 

For a second I wondered if he had heart failure, then noticed that he was blue on both chins, behind his neck, on his shoulders and half way down the tops of his arms.

We had a good go with soap and flannel but to little effect.

I mentioned it to his father.

"Oh he said something about blue in the bath last night but I couldn't see anything"

Note to self: only wash it with dark stuff.

 

Boy Shopping

Facebook post  21 August 2014 at 11:52

So Thunderthighs comes to Tesco with me and, at the checkout, does the usual male/teenage thing of hanging there being neither use nor ornament.

"Come on Thunderthighs, don't stand there like one o'clock half struck, help me get this stuff packed."

At which the checkout lad springs to life with a "sorry" and starts stuffing stuff into a carrier bag.

I look surprised

He says "I didn't hear the name, I thought you were talking to me. I'm half asleep."

My Dad did once say I had 'the tone of command'!

 

Bess Cavalier In my experience, the most efficient check-out operators are middle-aged women - it must be the multi-tasking! Teenage boys are the slowest

Float 'One o'clock half struck', love it!

Bentonbag  One of my Mother's many sayings.

 

Thunderthighs has come on a lot since then.  He now loads and unloads the trolley and packs most of the stuff.  On a really good day he puts some of the shopping away when we get home.  The stuff he eats, obviously, not the rest.

He is also a very good getter of ‘messages’; getting everything he’s been asked plus anything else on special offer that he thinks we can use.