The Auctioneer's Song

From Facebook Archive

29 November 2022 at 16.29

I'm nithered. Just spent the best part of two hours enabling Ferretfingers woodcarving (or in his case stripping logs of bark) at Ouseburn Farm OUTDOORS. I was prepared with thermal vest, thick shirt, loose woolly jumper (to trap air), hoodie, coat, hat and gloves.

We've been shopping in Sainsbury's, I've had a cup of coffee and I'm still cold.

Next week I'm donning Phil's old longjohns (wot he wore to play in Tynemouth Station market in the winter) and I don't care who knows it.

Shipskitchen  Ah! So that’s how he was warm enough and I wasn’t!  The monkey!

Ms Delune  Ah yes. I have announced to the family that this is the last year of me being the token female carnival role: if this stupid hobby means performing outdoors in pouring rain in November then it’s gender neutral and 80 bloody layers, not cheap satin and bare arms!

Bentonbag  Damart do some remarkably pretty undergarments.  Well, lacy at the neck and sleeves anyway.  And in interesting colours.  I'm particularly fond of my magenta long sleeved v-neck vest.

Ms Delune  Magenta would have been good- had a white thermal but kept showing even though pinned in place. Next year I’ve given myself the warm costume- my turn!

Burney  I thought about him today when for no apparent reason "The Greatest Auctioneer" came into my head. (it may not be called that)

Bentonbag  It's in mine now! George Welch wrote it.  Bits of the lyrics are coming back to me

“When I was just a little kid

My father said "Now look here Sid

I want for you to be an auctioneer"

I thought it strange cos my name's Bert

But I didn't want my daddy hurt

So off I went to be an auctioneer.

…

We went to the auction mart

Me arse was bruised on the old ranch cart

I thought I'd never have straight sex again

Did you?

No“

...... The only other lines I remember are:-

"I sold the chickens on the ranch

Sold Uncle Jed and Auntie Blanche”

You'll have to fill the rest in for yourself.

Burney  Reminds me of the Broken Doll as well.

Bentonbag  Ah yes. I'll never forget when the audience laughed out loud at the third verse of Ninestone Toyboy, which I'd written.  Wonderful feeling to make a whole room laugh; I know why standups do it.

Also when they sang "Why? Why? Why? Delilah" and the room, as one man, went 

"da da dada dada da" and both Phil and George corpsed and had to start again.

Burney  I remember either Phil or George saying to a little boy that was there 

"go and tell your mam she wants you".  Also lots of one line ‘songs’ like “hebburn must be missing an angel”, “hebburn I'm in hebburn”,”three steps to hebburn”. but lots!

Bentonbag  That was George.

 “There's a lady who goes

All the way down Shields Road

And she's buying a carpet in Beavans”

(although I think that one might be credited to Mr Whyte)

“Knock knock knockin on Bevans' door.”

And of course their famous original Ashington version of Flowers In The Rain:

“Eh'm just sittin watchin flooers in the rain

Feel the pooer of the rain

Mekin me 'lotment graa.”

Sandy   “Imagine there's no Beavan's”

 

Post Script 

Looking for links for this blog I googled Cheap Sunglasses Serenaders and found that someone had put their cassette on Youtube.  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cjl_X3VkHLw

pps George was from Byker, Phil from Wallsend

ppps Kudos to George Bosnyak who devised and took the photo above, which worked on t-shirts, posters and this photograph of a much folded poster.