Cold Caller Baiting #16 Don’t Poke The Bear

Last Tuesday morning I went downstairs quite late by which time Ferretfingers had yet again, for the umpteenth time, plugged a digibox into the living room television.

Why is this a problem?

You may well ask.

The television is already digital so requires no box.

It is also linked into a Virgin Media tivo box which gives us more channels than any reasonable person needs, and the ability to record, slow down and go backwards within whatever programme we’re watching.

As well as a DVD player we seldom, if ever, use.

That means we have the tv remote and Virgin remote in constant use, confusing Fester at the best of times.  It’s already quite irritating to think you’re watching Virgin and discover you’re on Freeview and using the wrong remote to try and get rid of the subtitles.  The last thing we need is yet another remote and source of channels to muddy the waters.

So Ferretfingers was told, in no uncertain terms, to unplug the digibox and put everything back as it was and, more importantly, HOW I WANT IT.

We have had this conversation several times.

So I wasn’t in the best of moods when the phone rang and, after a small satellite delay, a male Asian/Oriental voice asked

“Am I speaking to Ms Benton Bag?”

“Who are you?”

“I am Dan from Microsoft Central Office.”

“Dan who?”

“Dan Lewis Ms Benton Bag."

“And where are you calling from?”

“Microsoft Central Office.”

“I heard that, I meant, where are you geographically?”

“Reading.”

At this point in the proceedings I normally ask what the weather is like in whichever location the caller is claiming to be in, but things took an interesting turn with

“May I call you Benton, Ms Benton Bag?”

“No you may not Mr Lewis, we have not been formally introduced.”

“Ok …Well Mrs Bag I am calling you from Microsoft Central Office about solving the problems you’re having on your computer at Chateau Midden.”

“Which computer?”

"Pardon me?"

"Which of our computers?"

“You have more than one computer?  Never mind, they are all at the same address so they will all have the same licence number.”

“How is that so?  One doesn’t give one’s address when buying a computer.  You can buy a computer and set it up anywhere.”

“You can’t set up a computer anywhere Mrs Bag.”

“Well possibly not a desktop personal computer, but you can set up a laptop or tablet anywhere you like.”

“A tablet is not a computer Mrs Bag.”

“A laptop is.”

“Any way … I need you to put yourself in front of one of your computers.”

“No.”

“What?!”

“No.  I am not going to put myself in front of one of my computers because you tell me to.  I don’t want to.  I have other things to do today.”

“Oh - Get off my line!”

“You rang me Mr Lewis …”

And there he was gone 

before I could say, a la Judge Judy, 

“my phone, my playpen.”